Impasse

I am at a fork in the road, a stalemate, and impasse. Lots of things are running through my head so my blog will be the place where it is released. Brace yourself!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you wish you could stand out in the middle of a street and just scream till you can’t anymore? I'm having a situation, and for the sake anonymity I will only tell the situation—and no names. For years I have kept my mouth shut about a certain situation; #1 because I feel it would be useless and lead to know where if it was brought up, and #2 because confrontation is as enjoyable to me as sitting through a Trigonometry class. And really I can’t blame anyone but myself for letting it go one because I haven’t had to guts to confront it. But that’s who I am. I reached the breaking point today and all of a sudden thought, “What the hell I should just say everything I'm thinking even though by doing so I could loose it all.” Would that really be so wrong if by doing it I may finally find me; find APRIL! I feel like I have sort of been a shell of me, going through the routines of this situation and at times questioning it all. There are times where I wish I could go back to a “convenient solitude.” Where I could go back to a place and time with the people of my choosing who are how they used to be when things were the best and just stay there. I realize that by having people there it wouldn’t really be solitude, but it’s the only way I think I could describe what I'm thinking.

Winston has been gone over a month now and I still see him running in the halls or feel his cold nose on my foot. It may sound completely silly but I really couldn’t care less at the moment. Its strange how something like the loss of a dearly loved pet (and I know its not a whole lot like loosing a relative or loved one) can make you take a step back and evaluate your life—who you are—who you wish you could be. There are a few things I realized. For one, I am 25 and living at home---- and I am truly HAPPY. I would love to know what is seriously so wrong with living at home, even at my age, if I am truly happy. What the hell does it matter? Could it be that I may not find a guy. Yes, I'm 25, yes I’ve never had a serious relationship, and yes there are times when I am lonely. But it’s meant to happen it will. I am not some poor woman all alone and sad. I AM HAPPY! If I needed the attention of a man so badly I could go out and become a whore. But that need has never there. It may be that I am meant to spend my life alone, and if that is what is planned for me then I will embrace it. But I guess I am just tired of feeling like I less accomplished, less of a person because I live with my parents and not on my own. I pay my own bills; I work 2 jobs, in no way do I slack off. If I felt for one minute that I was being a burden to my family by living with them you would bet that I would be out there looking for a 3rd or 4th job and trying to get out. I…. AM…… HAPPY! Do you know how longs its been since I could truly say that. Now while I am prone to have moments of puzzling situations as mentioned in the above paragraph, I would gladly take that and be happy then go back to have the awful temper I used to, and getting sick every month because of stress and pure ( and I mean straightforward, scary) rage.

I guess in a nut shell I just want everyone to quit worrying or concerning themselves about whether I am happy or doing the right thing and whether it’s best for me. And this is going out to absolutely no one in particular. I know that family and friends will want to look out for me; and I am blessed that care is present, but I just want to be ME, and have no questions or concerns about it. That may come off rude—and I am sorry for that—but I just need some support. I'm going to take control, and that’s a scary thing for me. But I have faith it can happen. I hope you can have faith in me too. But I have to do it my way—or I will fail before I can even begin.

I have started my journey by getting this off my chest. Good luck to all of you—just be who you are—I don’t feel you can ever be ashamed of yourself if you’re honest with who you are. You may not like it—but at least you’re not lying to yourself. Honesty is a hard thing—it takes courage. That will be a stop on my journey.

Anyway, I think I'm about done. Sorry for randomness. But it feels good to get it out.

Until next time!!

*April*